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Writer Notes
WBB
Listen to the Reader
Commoners Jar
By: SonaeSun
Jodan looked at his watch, wondering which direction Jack
Spiegler would be coming from. His father had drilled it into
his head, always pay attention to your surroundings. At 16
Jodan looked like a 23 year old linebacker on some college
football team. He had been shaving since he was 13.
“You’re the spitting image of your Uncle
Bert”, Mom teased when he went over 200 pounds. Uncle
Bert played football for the Miami Dolphins when he was
younger.
Jodan heard the crackling of a handheld radio before he ever
saw Jack as he appeared next to Jodan and his sister Lory.
“Hello there son, is your father coming?” Jack
dripped the words like a snake hissing. “I told you
already Mr. Spiegler that my father is unable to be
here.” Jodan responded quickly. He added the Mister at
the beginning of Jack’s name to distract him from asking
any more questions. It worked. Jack puffed out his chest as
Jodan called him Mr. Spiegler. Jack must not hear that very
often in his line of work.
Lory nudged Jodan in his side. Her long brown hair was falling
out of the cap wore. She readjusted her cap and gave Jodan the
look. He knew she was anxious to make the trade.
“Fourteen days of food for a family of four in exchange
for two glass jars right?” Jodan asked. “Well now,
you see…” the words slid out of Jacks mouth.
“We’ll get food somewhere else” demanded
Lory “Jars are almost extinct, ever since the Bomb hit
the Capital. With the states asking citizens to donate all
their jars for the good of the country, you can’t buy a
glass jar anywhere!” Lory added emphasis to the word
anywhere. She may be the younger sibling but she was a wiz
when it came to finances. She had a way of making people feel
like they were getting their way even when they didn’t.
“Imagine what those jars will get you Mr.
Spiegler.” She added softly. Jodan started to gather
their backpacks and act as if the deal was over. He could see
Jack was thinking about the trade and whether he could give
them less than he promised.
“OK, OK now. I think two months of food for two glass
jars is a fair price.” Jack whistled and a small boy
with dirty hair and torn clothes came from behind the trees.
He was dragging a cart with canned foods behind him. Jodan
wondered how long the boy had been there without making any
noise. “Where’s my pretties girl?” Jacked
eyed the cloth package Lory cradled like a baby. Jodan counted
and examined the canned foods while Lory put the package on
the ground carefully. She unwrapped the cloth to expose two
applesauce jars with their lids. She handed them one at a time
to Jack. Jack held them up in the sunlight like a proud new
papa holds his new baby.
The small boy helped Jodan put the cans in his empty packs.
“What’s your name?” Lory asked the boy. Jack
shoved the boy towards the trees and grabbed the wagon
himself. They were gone just as quickly as they had appeared.
It had only been two months ago that terrorists had bombed ten
major cities in the nation. They heard that the bombs had
taken out all the major communications, transportation and
electricity.
Jodan and Lory put the packs on their backs and snuck back into
the camouflaged hiding spot only a few feet away. They waited
for half an hour in total silence. Just as they were getting
ready to leave, they heard Jack “Boy, I told you to
watch where they went. Now you’re gonna get no
supper”. If things were different, Lory would have
grabbed the boy and taken him home. Mom would have seen to it
that the right authorities were notified. Things were
different but in a bad way. Rubbing her eyebrows, she relaxed
a little.
“Let’s split up boy and see if we can get those
cans back” Jack said to the boy as they passed over the
stream just beyond the hiding spot. The voices disappeared and
Jodan stepped out of the hiding spot first. Jodan signaled for
Lory to follow him through the trees, back the way they came.
It took an hour to go a mile as they were constantly watching
their surroundings.
“Whew, that was close” said Lory as they entered
The Ark. “Who knew we would really need an emergency
underground bus system one day” said Jodan. Some of the
vines that covered the trap door crept into the opening as
Jodan closed it. “Put these cans in the pantry Lory and
then we’ll talk about what just happened” said
Jodan. “Why do I have to put them away? You do it
Jodan.” Said Lory. “I’m asking you to put
them away, not telling you. Besides, I’ve got to go get
the maps from Command Central.” Said Jodan “I
don’t know why you won’t just call it Dad’s
study.” Said Lory as she picked up one of the packs and
headed for the pantry.
“We need to find another trading spot” Said Jodan
as he stared at Dad’s land map of the area. Lory began
to clean some of her jars for the next trade. “I
remember this jar, Dad gave me marbles for my birthday in this
one” Said Lory as she gently rubbed the spotless jar.
“Dad really understood my excitement of every jar I
saved” said Lory. Jodan interrupted her “Stop
acting like Dad is dead. We don’t know if Dad and Mom
are alive or not. Just because they can’t contact us
doesn’t mean they’re dead. Jodan stared at the
map, “Dad marked all the great hiding places on the map
with a triangle and the tree houses with a ladder. I think we
need to scope out the tree houses and make sure they are still
covered by branches. Let’s eat.
Comments
Will
I love the way you waited to reveal that this story was taking place perhaps many years from now, after some epic tragedy. I would definitely come back and read more.
As for your sentences. Some of the dialogue needs to begin on a new paragraph so that we know a new person is speaking. But gener...I love the way you waited to reveal that this story was taking place perhaps many years from now, after some epic tragedy. I would definitely come back and read more.
As for your sentences. Some of the dialogue needs to begin on a new paragraph so that we know a new person is speaking. But generally, the sentences are delightfully conversational and natural. Seems like its brewing up to be a good yarn, too.
As for your sentences. Some of the dialogue needs to begin on a new paragraph so that we know a new person is speaking. But gener...I love the way you waited to reveal that this story was taking place perhaps many years from now, after some epic tragedy. I would definitely come back and read more.
As for your sentences. Some of the dialogue needs to begin on a new paragraph so that we know a new person is speaking. But generally, the sentences are delightfully conversational and natural. Seems like its brewing up to be a good yarn, too.
- September 25, 2014
- ·
dad
Sounds like a good introduction to an adventurous novel. Would have loved to read a longer version. Please make a part 2.
- October 2, 2014
- ·
booboo17
So many unanswered questions in this story. but it makes me want to keep reading it. To find out what happens. I think the writing is good because its simple and I can consentrate on the story easy. And i agree -- there should be a whole novel.
- October 2, 2014
- ·
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Founded by Steve & Judy
I love the way you waited to reveal that this story was taking place perhaps many years from now, after some epic tragedy. I would definitely come back and read more. As for your sentences. Some of the dialogue needs to begin on a new paragraph so that we know a new person is speaking. But generally, the sentences are delightfully conversational and natural. Seems like its brewing up to be a good yarn, too.